Manifestations bc my thoughts are negative rn.

Garden, plants, outdoors, quiet, just mine or mine and my lovers. Cozy. Neat. Smells good. room. Satisfaction. Ease. Bathtub. Flowers. Candles. Books. Movies. Love. Joy. Happiness. Relaxed. Success, faithfulness, honesty, will add more later when I can think of the opposite of that terrible feeling in my chest.

Finding the moment of his death

black eyes eclipse

My chest tightens. I choke.

My heart sinks. I can’t breathe.

Its nothingness has struck.

It is hollow. Gasping for air.

It came from nowhere.

I know it is not theatrics or curiosity

that haunts me.

It is a force.

It is a vortex.


There is no way to find the moment.

Seconds between each other have infinite depths.

And you couldn’t have been there.

Searching for the moment that it happened.

The scene stands still.

The picture stands still.

You are frozen in


it ends there.

There is nothing else.

Memories disappearing like a

Psychedelic nightmare.


Exposes me 
Lifestyle pressures 

Drive my thoughts

Into the ground
I hide in the dark

With the light pouring through 

the cracks in the windows

and the instagram photos.

A dark cloud of slow 


And I can only be distracted 

From its creeping

And fleeting 

You have to understand. 
I think I should wake up

go to the library
I think I should wake up

chained to my basement 
The ground is shaking
at night I am the same

welcomed by the dark

to reconsider

​The one who’s got it the best also has it the worst

The more far out you are the closer you feel

Not trying to make any sense here

Psychedelic leftovers dripping down the walls

I’ll write more once I learn more words

Don’t let me fool you

I’m on every wire

It’s just how much I’ll never believe

I see it 

I already saw it 

It’s so clear

Nothing is there 

But I’m standing on it

And I’m hearing the echos

Of music that seems real

There’s got to be a better place..
How can I spin out the time

What are we all doing to each other?  
I need a white room

Saturated in sunlight

My body submerged in pink salt water……
Walk on the mountains endlessly



A pretty life

Does not need momentary representations

On the Internet
It doesn’t hold on

It doesn’t make you wait

It doesn’t wait
Is it always available? 
Is it the choice to enjoy the void

Of where you are

And knowing that wanting

Is wanting.
It’s just pictures to cry about

When you’re alone on Christmas

You’re so smart

You still think it will be like the pictures

When,  then? 

A little bit deadly, yeah

​Look out:

She’s digging her nails into the dirt 

They are interested
The sugar

Is rotting me out

From the inside

All of the things

I’m responsible to say

Are rotting

While I feel it and say

I’m not responsible

For that

That’s not my fault
Is it?

My sister did it
Knock knock

Everything you want
Taking pictures
The hole right through me

That’s where it all goes

When no one is paying attention

I’m in the mirror

I wish I did what I said I was going to do

It would have been paper
Studying makes

Sex better
 need to study

Go right ahead
That just sinks right thru me and


I can’t feel it.

I don’t let myself care about any of it, them, her, 

A small population of concerned

It’s only just me

In the mirror

 Thinking of the past and the future

my nails though the dust

     that was his skin
Looking for something 

deadly and 

dark and